The Art of Complaining
TW: Religious trauma, religion, eating disorder, and abuse.
Dear readers,
I am writing this post in response to a sermon I recently heard. I am over two months into recovery from an eating disorder and one of the self care habits I am trying to integrate is allowing myself to take up space. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is my practice.
Have you ever been around someone who seems to have nothing good to say about life? If you have children, think back to moments (or days, weeks, months) when nothing seems to be going their way and it feels like they just won't stop whining. Consider with me periods of time in your own life is full of chaos and it's a battle from the moment you get up to the time you go to sleep. Often sleep isn't even a relief because my awesome brain "thinks" it needs to work things out in the form of dreams while I'm just lying in bed trying so very hard to get some rest. I've woken up before overwhelmed by the 7 lives I lived during one night. Phew. I am feeling tired just writing this.
Complaining is part of everyone's life, but is complaining bad? Is it a joy sucker? Is it a selfish? Does it go against God? I was told that all those things are true- complaining is bad, it sucks joy, it's selfish, and it goes against God.
That all seems very black and white. Oh, how my eating disorder loves black and white concepts. Complaining= bad. Gratitude= good. Trusting my body= Wrong Dieting= Right. Taking up space= the worst thing you could do in your relationships. Being small= the best thing you can do in your relationships. Do what is good, right, and best and you will be safe.
What was even more tragic for me is that my eternal safety got wrapped up in there. Follow the rules, do the things, stay small, don't take chances, and you'll be safe. God will accept you. Yet, in striving to do all the things, I made myself sick. Now, when I become aware that the words I am hearing or the thoughts inside my head are black and white, or what psychologists call polarized thinking, I get curious. I make space for my humanity.
I'll begin with the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of complaining: "to express pain, grief, or discomfort."
There is a story that is often brought up to teach us not to complain. It's a collection of stories about the Israelites after they are freed from slavery. They sure do complain a lot. Like in Numbers 14:1-4. "That night all the people of the community raised their voices and wept aloud. All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt? And they said to each other, "We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt."
I would have been complaining, too. The Israelites had left everything familiar to them. Yes, they didn't like being slaves, that's why they left Egypt, but they had no idea what they were signing up for. What freedom was going to look like. How hard it was going to be. I, too, didn't like my former relationship with food, my body, and how the eating disorder negatively impacted my life. I, too, eagerly signed up to live a life of freedom. I had no idea what I was signing up for... There were moments in the wilderness, neck deep in the work and the waiting, when I was exhausted and overwhelmed. It felt like it would be easier to go back. Back to binging, overeating, restricting, hating my body, compulsively exercising. Back to Egypt.
There was one marked difference between the Israelite's situation and mine (not considering the fact that their story is in the Bible and has been told/read throughout history). I had a support team. A therapist. A dietician. A husband who was/is supportive and would have given me the world if I had asked. (I didn't by the way. With great power comes great responsibility. Superheroes and I both have to live with that truth.). Friends who showed me love, compassion, grace, and care.
I don't gather that the Israelites got a lot love, compassion, grace and care as they wandered. At least not how it's written in the Bible. How the writer of those books perceived the situation and then communicated it to us. How it's been translated and passed on. I read a lot of punishment for their complaining. I read a lot of help that was given along with a harsh lesson- you guy's are a bunch of whiners and I am angry at you for not trusting me (God). This time, random though it seems, I'll help you out. Here's some manna. Learn a lesson and stop complaining. Trust me in all things. Sometimes I'll help and other times I'll punish you. A plague. Snakes. Oh, you made a false idol? I will burn you all.
Historically, idols were a thing done in ancient Egypt. Again, the Israelites went to something familiar when they were having a hard time. Kind of like when one of my dietitian's goals for me that week was to not measure my food. To eyeball it. I was doing great on the goal until stress in a relationship reached a breaking point. I measured. It was familiar. I felt safe. My therapist helped me figure that out. Gave me words to describe it. Offered understanding, grace, and compassion. Now, when I want to measure my food, I have tools to help me choose what will be helpful for me in the long run.
What if in their humanity, the Israelites were simply attempting to make sense of their situation. Of God. They would have the surrounding culture's ideas of their gods/idols for a place to start creating understanding. What if on this side of history, we can look through the Old Testament and see the similarities of the cultural gods/idols and then see places where the true character of God shows up. For me, it's where I see the characteristics of Jesus.
Speaking of Jesus, he complained, too. In Mark 14, Jesus specifically asks his disciples to keep watch, goes out and prays a prayer of sorrow and trust, and then goes back to find those "watchful" disciples sound asleep. In Luke 22:45, it says "he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow." Anyway, back to Mark 14:41a "Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come... "
What about Philippians 2:14-15? This was a verse that was used to stop my complaining as a child and a verse I, too, used to discipline my children. To teach them what God expects of us. (sigh) It was a verse I internalized to try to help heal the disfunction in my marriage. If I complain less, show him gratitude more, he will stop being angry, hating life, and isolating himself. I made it about my behavior because that was something I could have (the illusion of) control over. I made myself small.
"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe..." Philippians 2:14-15
I looked up the original Greek translation for the verse. Sometimes things get changed in translation. This did not and it's clear. The message is to not complain. I read the chapters before. The chapters after. I did note in verse 16 that it seems to be important to Paul (one of the two author's) that the church in Philippi not complain. Paul's being repeatedly punished for spreading the Gospel and their success (which includes not complaining) is helping him hold out. To hope.
"...as you hold out the word of life- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing."
Here's my personal experience with complaining. I have held space for both gratitude and complaint. As I have complained in my thoughts or verbally to another person, I have noted the need for change AND awareness of how far we/I've come. I have been spiraling down the dark hole of anxiety, afraid and begging for it to stop, and been grateful for the support of another person. For the right medication.
Years ago, our 2nd marriage counselor gave me some advice. It hurt my pride at the time, but has served me well after I got over myself. He said to stop criticizing my husband and to complain instead. For example, instead of making it about who he is as a person "You're so lazy. You never help me clean the (fill in the blank)." to "You didn't clean the bathroom like you told me you would and I feel overwhelmed/angry/hurt."
As a child, no one every taught me how to complain. No one ever guided me through the art of complaining. How to complain in a constructive way and how to hear complaints without it creating shame and shifting my feelings of love, acceptance, and worth. I'm happy to report that this cycle can be broken. I've been working on changing it within myself. I've been walking through it with my husband. Our children are having moments of being able to give and receive complaints in a constructive way.
Complaining is not black and white. There's no perfect formula or one size fits all strategy. Like humanity, it is complex.
Here's my prayer for you- May the love that dwells within give you strength to become curious about things that make you feel small. May you take up all the space you need. May you heal for yourself. May your healing pour over into the lives of others. May you be kind to yourself. May you be love.
Complaining may be complex but this article is a good place to start.
Want to know more about polarized thinking and other cognitive distortions that are unhelpful?
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