Let Your Words Match Your Actions
Dear Reader,
It's been two weeks since I published "An Unsent Letter to the Church." A letter in which I called our church out on their part in "feeding" my eating disorder and for failing me, and my husband, and our two sons by abandoning us in our darkest hour. I've had many responses. People who said that while the details may be different, the letter could have been written by them. People who have fallen through the cracks of the church and felt alone in their experience. You see, I am not alone in my experience and if I had stayed quiet and small, I would still be wondering if it was just me. If something was wrong with me.
One friend called me out by reminding me that I am very good at hiding. Yes. I am very good at hiding and I have been working on that. (She was not the first person to bring this to my attention.). Others have messaged me telling me they are sorry for their part in it and asked me to forgive them. Yes, and will they forgive me for not being there when they needed someone? Will the people that I could have helped forgive me for not? Can we use this experience to help us do better?
In the introduction, I told people that this was not the space to "correct" me. Yet, there have been several who have corrected me. One told me that the "last year and a half has made it so most people have felt disconnected, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed..." that my family aren't the only ones. This person believes "that posting this on FB is not necessary for (my) healing, recovery, and (is) definitely not the way to enlighten the church." They promised to keep praying for me and for my family behind the scenes... keep praying that (I am) able to let go of (my) bitterness towards the church." Ummm... thank you? Thank you for telling me what is acceptable, what I need for MY recovery, and for remaining passive.
Still another reminded me that the church and religion are not perfect and will "never fulfill human needs." At least two debated on whether or not they should comment, one declaring to all reading that "God loves you. You are accepted. You are chosen. You are not alone." They then told me that everyone has felt abandoned and to look at all the things the church has done for you. Look at all the ways we have loved you.
Yes AND the church abandoned us when we needed them most.
Since publishing the post, I have wept. I have questioned. I have searched for what is the next right step. I have been exhausted from the emotions that publishing the letter, feeling the hurt that letter has caused (I didn't even need the comments to feel that), and reading the comments. But the last comment, from someone I had once considered a friend, left me spiraling. This person called me a liar. Said my post was the work of the enemy and "rebuked" my words, aka, my experience, "in Jesus' name." His words told everyone reading that he allowed God to heal him through the Word.***
My body felt it first. The tightness in my chest. The lump in my throat. The panic that filled my entire body. Then my mind started thinking that maybe I should take the link down. Be more careful what I post on Facebook and other social media outlets. Filter myself. Make myself smaller. This situation is hopeless, I have hurt people for no reason and I wish I could just make myself disappear. Whoa. Full stop. Your mind is spiraling. You just had a PTSD reaction and you feel unsafe. Am I not safe with God? No, I am safe with God. I am not safe in the community I once felt was family? Yes. Should I make myself smaller for them? No. How can I feel safe? Since I'm not sure who feels the same way the person who rebuked me feels (other than the 6 people from our church that hearted his comment, I know how they feel) I can make my space on Facebook safer by unfriending them all. (Hello RELIGIOUS TRAUMA!!!) So, I unfriended everyone who hasn't reached out to me in support of my healing (they did not have to agree with my blog post, just be supportive in my healing) and then I went to bed. I told my husband that I was feeling very dysregulated and held his hand while I named my husband, our two boys, and each of my friends who have been by my side and supported me through this messy journey of living in recovery from a lifelong eating disorder.
God is love.
Love is part of me.
These are the people who remind me that I am not separated from Love.
I felt dismissed.
I didn't stay quiet.
I am feeling unsafe/unwanted/unloved by many.
I am feeling like an outcast in a community that I once considered family.
I'm going to keep going. I, as an adult, as a leader in my family, will model what expressing my thoughts and feelings look like. I will show up again and again in uncomfortable situations (with plenty of rest in between) and be an example of not dismissing each other's experiences. I will show my children what it looks like to not hide behind what was, but to create a culture where everyone can share their concerns. I will show them what my words mean.
Let your words match your actions.
Take up space.
Take action.
Rest, because this shit is exhausting.
Love,
Wendy
*** I wrote this post two weeks to the day of publishing This week (one of the audiobooks) I am listening to is "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. The first part of the book explains the history of psychology and one thing really stuck out to me. The German soldiers who fought in World War I experienced PTSD. Not surprising, right? PTSD from a war doesn't cause us to question the validity of their mental and emotional unhealth. Well, now it doesn't but back then, the diagnoses of PTSD was still new and not as understood as it is now. Germany dismissed these soldier's struggles as character flaws.
Character flaws.
Instead of being helped, they were punished.
The person who called me a liar, that told me he has been healed from suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety because he surrendered to God, gave up his sinful ways, and dug into the Word believes that suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety are character flaws. It's also reasonable to assume that if he believes those crippling mental illnesses are character flaws, the eating disorder I had for most of my life, and the PTSD I have been diagnosed with would fit into the character flaw category, too.
I am NOT a mental health professional, but I can tell you from personal experience that your depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts/attempts, eating disorder, or any other mental illness is NOT because of your character. I did the religious thing. I read my Bible. I prayed. I went to church. I volunteered. I put others first. I tried and I worked and I pushed harder and I strived. For my entire life. (Can I count when I was a baby and toddler? If not, take those years off of the entire life statement.)
When I was 41, I realized I had an eating disorder. No one told me. I had just finished a binge and an understanding swept over me. I believe it was the Holy Spirit, or as I prefer to call her now, my inner knowing. I got help from people who specialize in helping other humans heal from eating disorders. They have shown me that judgement, striving, working, pushing harder, criticizing myself, always putting others needs and wants before my own, telling myself I am a sinful creature and am nothing without God, that it is something I need to fix by trying harder, and the self loathing that comes with all that internal talk is what is feeding the eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. The women that I stayed with at the treatment facility showed me what it was like to surround myself with positive and supportive people. Ya'll, we were together in the pits of mental illness, 24/7, and they showed me that I was amazing, wonderful, appreciated, hurting, needy, giving, and imperfect. That I could be all these things at the same time.
It has taken A LOT of professional help, 45 days in a treatment facility, 9 weeks in an outpatient program, support from my family and close friends, and TIME for me to feel the drastic change that comes from switching my internal narrative to compassion, love, kindness, grace, and patience. I love that food is just food now. I love that my healing is pouring over into the life of my husband and our two sons. I love that I am no longer my enemy and that creates a feeling of Love inside of me that doesn't feel absent, even on my worst days.
Is this what it means when Jesus says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light? That we can become new creatures through Christ (dying to the old and becoming new)? That Love's will be done and Love's kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven? That Love will never leave us or forsake us?
Dear one, keep showing up for yourself.
You are loved.
You are wanted.
You are just what this world needs.
Love, Wendy
Comments
Post a Comment