They're Just Cookies

 TW: Binge eating, restriction, eating disorder, diets, baking, and cookies.

Dear Reader,

  I want to share a victory with you, but first, a little history.  I used to love baking.  When my mother was alive, we used to bake together.  At Christmas time, my mom, brother-in-law, and I would each bake a bunch of yummy goodies and share them.  That way, we each had impressive goodie trays to hand out for Christmas gifts.  "Poo!" I say to your tray with only five varieties.  I have fifteen types of homemade goodies on my tray.  (I just revealed a tiny bit of my competitive side to you.)

  When I started dieting again in 2017, I stopped baking.  It was an activity and a type of food that I had no self control over and the old "diet-ee" me said that meant it was not allowed.  Oh, I tried every once in while, but alas, it was an all or nothing food for me.  We still talk about the Brownie Blackout of 2019.  That was the time I made brownies to give to friends and decided that I was "healed" enough to have one brownie.  I honestly don't remember eating half the pan, but half the pan was missing and my stomach told me it was true.  That, and I was the only one in the kitchen.

  Here are some things I tried before investing in therapy with a therapist who specializes in helping people with eating disorders, a dietician who specializes in helping people with eating disorders, an eating disorder support group, 45 days in residential treatment at a center for women with eating disorders and trauma, and 8 weeks in an Intensive Outpatient Program.

Weight Watchers

The Low Fat Diet

The Keto Diet

The Whole 30 Diet

Intermittent Fasting

Body Positivity

I was born this way, might as well just enjoy life and eat as much as I possibly can.

  I've spent the last year and a half sorting through all the disordered thought patterns and habits, giving voice to my experiences, wants, needs, and thoughts, learning how to prioritize taking care of myself, and figuring out what it truly means to love myself.  I have had the support of professionals, my husband, my best friend, and a few close friends.  Please, when you read the following words, know that I didn't get here from reading some amazing book or blog post.  There was no influencer of Instagram who got me here.  I didn't just wake up one day and say, "I'm going to bake cookies and be satisfied after eating just one!"

The disordered thought patterns run deep and I'm still on a journey to live the rest of my life in recovery.

  Today, I made monster cookies.  The kind with oatmeal, peanut butter, M&M's, and chocolate chips.  Only this time I combined all the baking chips we had in the house (butterscotch, chocolate, dark chocolate, and peanut butter) and added a variety mix.

  I tasted the cookie dough.  It was okay, but I had just eaten my morning snack (good planning on my part) and wasn't really into it.

 I ate one cookie for dessert after lunch and it was so, so good.  So good, I wondered if I wanted another one.  I sat with that thought for a minute or two and realized that my body was satisfied.  If I wanted another cookie, I could have one later.  Maybe with dinner, or maybe with a snack.  If my family ate them all, I could make more.  I could eat them every single day for the rest of my life if I wanted.

  These cookies no longer taste like forbidden fruit.  They are just cookies.  Delicious cookies that my Godmother gave me the recipe for.  They are not good or bad.  Right or wrong.  Healthy or unhealthy.  Moral or immoral.

They're just cookies.

Bonus- my son's teachers are all getting cookies tomorrow... and the school nurse (my youngest has visited her often) and my oldest son's bus driver because may God bless her and give her strength.

PS- My family is quite enjoying this part of my recovery.  Some other parts- not so much.  But homemade cookies?  Yes, please!